ETHNIC DIVERSITY

ETHNIC DIVERSITY

A Greek businessman used to take his friends to
a Chinese restaurant,
Where he would make fun of the owner by ordering ‘FLIED LICE’.

The annoyed Chinese went and took elocution lessons.

The next time the Greek ordered FLIED LICE,
The owner said carefully, THAT’S FRIED RICE,
YOU GLEEK PLICK !

TRAPPIST MONASTERY

WINNIPEG MONASTERY

Years ago, I regularly made retreats at one Trappist monastery or other.
One year I took the bus up to Winnepeg to visit a monastery at the edge of the city.
Many unique features:
--The young prior said, “These monks have no stressful decisions; they live long lives. But the abbot is in charge of a huge farm, and responsible for the spiritual welfare of all the monks. Abbots die usually 5 years after taking office.”

--This monastery was only a Priory, under the rule of an abbot in French Canada. This person was reactionary—
he insisted that monks wear their habits, even working in the fields. Regularly, some monk was pulled into farm machinery.

--One monk was allowed to talk; he was the liaison with laymen-visitors.
This guy was a former philosophy prof from Europe.
He noted that, as often happens,
A rich dairy farmer died, leaving to the monks
this expensive herd of cattle (some worth $10k each).
[The Trappists are reformed Cistercians, just as Cistercians were reformed Benedictines.
The Benedictines spent their time chanting, doing little manual labor the way St.Benedict envisioned. The Cistercians were at first very austere; but they were such good farmers they got quickly rich, and just as quickly corrupt. So a noble Frenchman who inherited
The Abbey of LaTrappe set out to found a new, super-strict order called Trappists.
They had a uniquely strict rule against talking; they communicated by hand-signals—Until Vatican II.]

This monk’s job was to care for these cows. “They have no brains; they’re just stomachs and udders. They can’t even give birth unaided; I have to follow the ones in late-pregnancy to help them deliver. I joined the Trappists to pray; but what with these damn cows, I have even less time to pray.”

One day he said, “The bull just screwed a horse. With my luck, the horse will give birth,
And I’ll be delated to the Vatican for witchcraft !”
-----
One guy in the guesthouse was a former monk, who had left the order and was living there while he sought a job.

He had been a salesman in Shanghai when the Communists took over.
He was impressed by the sight of several trucksful of Chinese CatholicsOn their way to execution,
singing hymns. He had a religious conversion.
He joined the Trappists to pray against Communism.

He had interesting stories about life as a Trappist..
As a mere novice, he was helping an older monk fold the altar linens. The old monk carefully folded that fancy linen
Cloth OUTSIDE the cheap homespun cloth that was supposed to protect the linen cloth.
This novice sign-languaged to the other monk that this couldn’t be right; the cheap cloth should be folded outside the fancy cloth, to protect it. The old monk signaled back,
“We’ve always done it this way!” That settled that.

This guy said one reason he had to leave the monastery was to tell the following tale: After Compline every evening
(early, because the monks rose at 1AM) they sang the
very beautiful SALVE REGINA. Laymen used to come to hear that hymn, staying in the chapel balcony reserved for lay observers.

Then the monks retired to their cells, to their straw mattresses; each cell had the dimensions of a public Toilet booth—with walls only 7 feet high.

The Trappists ate no meat,so they ate a lot of beans.
Once they settled down to sleep, they started to fart—
Sharp contrast with the SALVE REGINA. That was the tale he had to tell.

But that wasn’t the main reason he left. Remember, this was frigid Winnipeg.
At Mass each AM, just before they received Communion, they threw themselves on the cold, cold stone floor of the chapel, to say the CONFITEOR
(confessing their sinfulness).

One morning as he was lying there, he fell asleep.
Waking on that bone-chilling floor, he said he heard
Clearly a voice from heaven, saying
LET COMMUNISM WIN ! That’s why he left.

HOW FAR WE HAVE COME:
Selma, Alabama was the scene of carnage against blacks.
Coincidentally, it was the place where my brother, running a car agency,
Needed a car repossessed .

He deputized myself and two brothers to go to Selma and repossess that car.

On the train with us was an older white woman from Selma. She fixed me with a Steely glare, saying
“You people are going to Selma to make trouble, right?”

We explained that we were going to Selma to repossess a car.

‘Oh, no,” she said, “You are an Episcopal preacher, and you plan to stage a sitdown in the colored women’s john!” She ignored our disclaimers.

“I want to warn you that we have so many trouble-makers in the Selma jail
that we had to tie the town drunk to a tree!”

Today a black man was inaugurated as President..

PADRE PIO

PADRE PIO: An Italian Friar who had the stigmata (duplicating Jesus’ 5 wounds)—
the only male to have these persistent bloody holes in hands, feet and side since Francis of Assissi. He spent his whole life hearing confessions;
People came from all over to confess to him & get his spiritual advice.
He died & was buried, and was later canonized.

Then a nasty man said he used to deliver carbolic acid regularly to the friary—
perhaps to keep the wounds fresh! But that’s only one man’s story.

Italians are devoted to holy corpses and bones. The friars dug Pio up and put him on display.And he was incorrupt—but they put a silver mask over his face..
an incomplete miracle?
-----
Anyway, one Irish-American woman named Riley called one of her favorite opponents Mrs. Wright, complaining that Wright’s daughter-in-law had embarrassed Riley in front of her Protestant daughter-in law: “Your daughter-in-law has been failing to get pregnant, so I told her to pray to Padre Pio..he’s not canonized yet, so he needs miracles. So later she says,‘So much for Padre Pio; the prayers haven’t worked.’

So naturally I asked her if she’d sent the money.
“Why does he need money? He’s dead!”

There was a pause while Wright loaded her cannon; then she told Riley:
“That Protestant daughter-in-law of yours: I happen to know she’s a fallen-away
Catholic !”

St (PADRE) PIO was a 20th-century Franciscan priest, the only male since Francis of Assissi to have the Stigmata (bloody holes in hands, feet, and side, duplicating Jesus' 5 wounds.)

Eating donuts after Mass one Sunday in Ft.Collins we met a man who said his brother was a navigator stationed at a US air-base in St.Pio's town, in WWII.
This brother bought a case of beer for Padre Pio. He said out of gratitude,
'What favor can I do for you?"

The brother said, "I'm going crazy from too many combat missions. I need to go home!"

The next day a top officer needed to fly quickly to the US. They needed a navigator,
and they picked this brother. He never had to return to Europe.

MY FIRST SUIT

MY FIRST SUIT: When we moved to the big City, Mother realized I’d have to have
A suit to go to college. So she took me to Brown Shoe Store, and asked to see a suit in the $25 range, with 2 pair of pants.
The suit she settled on was the color of milk, with orange juice vomited on it.
She said, “I want the second pair of pants this length.” /Why?/
So my brother Leonard could wear the suit in High School./
“Say, that’s brilliant !”

Leonard would wear the suit to 10AM Mass, and then I’d put on the suitcoat
For 11AM Mass. Between our house and the church was a small store.
If both of us stopped in, the guy would say, “Wait a minute! How do you have time between Masses to change into that suit?”